SOMETIMES LESS IS MORE: HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
Last week we talked about self-care. This week - let’s build on the skills it takes to actually take care of yourself - like for real though. Boundaries are something often spoken about and less frequently used. Do you ever find it hard to say “no”? Maybe it’s difficult to ask for what you need in one or more areas of your life? Sometimes it sounds like telling ourselves that if we ask for what we need, we are (insert false and negative belief here). Are you afraid you’ll be seen as a burden? That you should be able to do it yourself? Lazy? If we are honest with ourselves, it often feels easier to mentally beat ourselves up in this way than ask for what we need. The consequence? We begin to believe these lies we tell ourselves.
So why do we do this?
We jump to judgement instead of understanding because often we are under stress when we consider these things. When we are under our stress, our mind is more likely to use these things called “cognitive heuristics” or thinking short cuts. When under stress, our body is telling our brain that we need to be prepared for whatever is coming for us, so the brain frees up effort and attention by using these short cuts to make decisions. In sports, they say you play like you practice, and the way we think of ourselves is no different. So pay attention to your self-talk because it influences your self-confidence, feelings of self-efficacy, and self-image.
What is my boundary/communication style?
Most people tend to have a style they tend towards, however, this can change based on situations. A defining factor amongst them is how aware and clear one is about their values, beliefs, and who they see themselves as. These three factors are critical to knowing what your boundaries are, what you’ll tolerate, what you expect of others and yourself, your sense of right and wrong. If you aren’t sure of these or aware of them altogether - it may be time to start thinking this through. The consequence of not doing this work is inconsistent relationships, outcomes, and emotions. Read on to learn more about the three styles.
Passive communication and diffuse boundaries
People of this style tend to be “people pleasers” and find it difficult to say “no.” Their sense of self-worth is often tied to their perception of how other people perceive them. They want to be seen as helpful, caring…worthy. So they tend to be spread thin due to taking on too much with most of the “stuff” they take on being other people’s. This person tends to have what’s called an “external locus of control”, in other words, life happens to them. This perspective leaves them feeling like they have never quite “arrived” because there is always the “next thing” to do or deal with. Another aspect of this style is that typically they keep a ledger in their mind - constantly keeping track of how much they do for others as a means of affirming their self-worth. It’s tiring because their self-worth seems to be a moving target they can never quit hit even though they come close at times. In turn, their view of themselves goes up and down, positive to negative, never quite stabilizing. Because their worth is seen as being outside of themselves, they tend to tie themselves to as many people, events, tasks - you name it - to keep the ledger “balanced.” This fosters a great deal of general anxiety and self-doubt. So they keep giving in an effort to prove their worth.
Aggressive communication and strict boundaries
Have you ever worked with someone that was just “prickly”? They had an air about them that clearly conveyed they didn’t want to be spoken to? Maybe they seem intimidating and distant? This person has adopted an aggressive communication style out of a belief they need to “protect” themselves from the world and other people. Interestingly, they, much like the passive/diffuse person, feel life happens to them. The difference is they have taken an aggressive as opposed to appeasing approach. Life has taught them it’s best to not trust other people and be self-reliant so they don’t get hurt, taken advantage of, whatever fearful outcome they are avoiding. These are people who tend to not “give chances”, are quick to judge, and have little empathy for the mistakes of others. Every time they perceive someone to have let them down, it just further confirms their belief the person couldn’t be trusted to begin with. Many times, this stems from a trauma of some sort that hasn’t been dealt with fully. In the “biz” of psychotherapy, we call this unfinished business. A past experience continues to color their current and future, leading to distrust, a lack of people close to them who can be supportive, isolation, and often, depression. Although the tall, thick walls they’ve built around them are protective, it sure is lonely by themselves in there.
Assertive communication and healthy boundaries
It’s what we all quietly want, but find difficult to both attain and maintain. The ability to see yourself as worthy despite what’s going on around you or what people say. Being able to say “no” and not feel bad. Feeling confident in the choices you make and the people you selectively select into your inner circle. Your choices aren’t driven by fear and avoidance, but by your values, beliefs, and personal goals. Outcomes and experiences don’t necessarily define you because you know the human condition is full of highs and lows that bear no weight on your self-worth. The defining factor here is this style has an internal locus of control. Life doesn’t happen to them, but for them. They believe they can make decisions as to what they do, the type of life they lead, and other people’s opinions really don’t impact them because they are confident in who they are.
Damn. That’s crazy.
Do you see yourself or people around you as fitting into one or more of these styles? Maybe you’re generally assertive, but you get to work where you feel a little less confident and all of a sudden, your boundaries fall and you don’t know why you keep saying “yes” to everything. Maybe you’re normally assertive, but when you get around your family - you go full aggressive. Vacillating between the styles is normal. Being aware of this is critical information that can help you start choosing how you want to show up in the world consistently. Passive communication and diffuse boundaries are common when we feel less confident, deeply want acceptance or recognition as being worthy or good enough. Aggressive comms and strict boundaries tend to occur in settings and relationships in which we’ve “been burned” in the past or had pretty gnarly experiences that sucked, so we protect ourselves. Assertive boundaries are that happy place where things are all. good. Usually, this is where we have good supports that we know will love and accept us, even if we make a mistake. These are psychologically safe relationships and environments that afford you the chance to stretch yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally to find out exactly what you’re “made of” and what you’re capable of.
So what?
It’s Saturday morning and you’ve got the weekend ahead of you. Reflect on what you read and start thinking about how you can be more consistently assertive in your life. Maybe that looks like building your self-confidence in an area you feel less confident. It may also look like deciding to get a therapist to work through the past so you aren’t the prickly coworker, distant relative, etc. Regardless of what you choose to do with it, the power is in your hands.
Interested in more information? Check these out:
