WHY THAT $10 FAT FREE VANILLA OAT MILK LATTE ISN’T SELF-CARE AND WHAT IS.
You’ve probably landed here because that daily $10 coffee on the way to work in the morning isn’t cutting it anymore. Nor is getting a fresh set of nails, your sweet new Converses, or a cut/color at the salon. And damn, I thought paying $80 for under eye cream to help me look more awake and refreshed would do the trick, but it’s not even working as hard as I am. Maybe you’re making an effort to be more active in some way or focusing on eating healthier. Regardless - you’re still feeling burnt out and you don’t know why. This morning - let’s talk Self-care and why these things often don’t do it for us anymore.
Why do we struggle with self-care?
There are a number of reasons we struggle to take care of ourselves. Modern American culture rewards the person who is always busy and producing, while it can feel like we’re being passively punished by our boss for not doing enough because we didn’t get that raise or promotion. Another year of “meeting expectations” on the old annual review. So why do we keep up with the late nights and going above and beyond if it’s not resulting in that coveted raise or promotion? To put it simply from a psychological perspective - a desire for acceptance and being seen as valued, desired, respected. We’re often looking for work to fill our proverbial cup of belonging, but work alone can’t do that. Even if you love what you do, it’s only one piece of the larger picture. Work is a place many people go above and beyond, come through on the tight deadlines others can’t, and stay late in hopes the boss will recognize your effort and reward you for it. But how often are we doing this not because we actually care to do the work, but because we want to be seen as valued, our expertise recognized, our efforts validated? Work is often a relatively safe way to seek belonging because if it doesn’t work out, you can blame it on so many things from the ineffective supervisor, to a poor work environment, to a company that doesn’t care about its people. Just about anything but the common denominator - you - and a misplaced desire for a deep sense of belonging and acceptance. But for some reason, you keep showing up each Monday doing the same. damn. thing. So how do we break the cycle?
How can we overcome that?
If this sounds like you, then the first step is realizing and accepting this. It’s said that all behavior serves a purpose. Have you ever stopped to genuinely think about what you do and why you do it? Take it a step further - have you thought about whether what you’re doing is getting the outcomes you want? Is just a negative cycle reinforcing feeling like you’re not good enough or providing the financial stability, albeit crippling, that allows you to keep leading a certain lifestyle? When we let ourselves continue in negative cycles like this, it can make them even more difficult to break. Why? Because the devil we know is often preferable to the devil we don’t know. For example, have you ever heard someone say, “at least I know I have a job, it may be slowly killing me, but it’s stable income and I’m comfortable” or “yeah, I’ve switched jobs three times in the last two years just trying to get paid what I deserve.”
A combination of fear of risk and rejection often lie beneath these behaviors. Fear of feeling some sense of rejection or inefficacy that your talents were realized by the employer. It could also be fear of taking the jump and starting with a new organization. Recognizing that you’re staying because you're afraid to make a change and/or because despite all your hard work, your boss is never going to see it, can be really hard. Now that this pattern has been recognized, it’s time to make a choice:
Stay in the job that’s reinforcing these negative beliefs (i.e. “if I just worked harder….”) and/or habits (always giving more than you’re getting)
Make a change
That change might be staying at said job and putting some boundaries in place coupled with finding things outside work that are enjoyable, you’re good at (or want to get good at), or that give you that sense of being valued and belonging that you’re looking for. It could also look like applying for a new job, moving to a new career field, or reimagining your professional path. Maybe it’s another option I haven’t listed. Regardless of what you choose to do - one thing is true - we choose our outcomes. Whether you stay or go, there are ways to enhance your feelings of wellbeing, reduce stress, and feel more content or satisfied.
What are some options for Self-care in today’s busy world?
How you structure your day: How often do you just keep going telling yourself you’ll get that coffee, bathroom break, or fit lunch in later? The time is going to pass one way or the other - how you feel as it passes is up to you. So maybe consider taking that break. Taking lunch now instead of gambling that you’ll be able to fit it in between meetings later because “I’ve got to get this memo out NOW.” Topping off your water bottle - whatever it may be. When our basic needs are met allowing us to feel generally comfortable, we are more able to show up how we want to and get things not only done, but done well. So - how does your routine make you feel? How could you finetune it?
How you spend your time: Time is the only resource we can’t get more of - so it behooves us to be choosey with how we spend it. For some, it might look like choosing between watching the newest episode of your favorite trash TV show (Vanderpump Rules, anyone?). For others, it’s getting your dog out for a 30 minute walk after work. It might also look like “pushing through” the morning at work without taking a break or allowing yourself ten minutes each hour to stand up, stretch, and top off the cup of whatever you’re sipping on. Still, it could look like accepting that you’ve done as much as you could during the work day and now you’re going to be present at home with your loved ones or dialed into that 5p Orange Theory workout you committed to because you’d rather break a sweat than break the bank missing classes you already signed up and paid for. Do you feel like you make the best use of the precious resource that is time?
How you take vacations or breaks from work: It’s always nice to have that day off, expected or unexpected, to tackle those errands you’ve been meaning to get to; however, it isn’t always enough time to actually rest and reset. Various research articles show it takes roughly three to four days to legitimately unplug from work. Do your vacations (hopefully you’re taking them!) allow enough time for you to actually enjoy that beach you’ve been looking forward to sitting on with an umbrella in your cocktail? Are they so quick that you can’t stop thinking about that portfolio that’s due on Monday? Core memories don’t come from sharing war stories around the water cooler at 7p on a Friday night as you and your colleagues discuss how no one works as hard as you guys or “wants success” as badly. They come from that hike you got lost on in Glacier National Park that led to stories you still laugh about to this day or zip lining through a jungle you never thought you would. They also come from the quiet moments at home with our loved ones or times with friends you’ll never forget. Allowing yourself to unplug will actually make you more productive when you get back to the grind, believe it or not. So in that way, it’s really kind of like giving yourself a little treat and who doesn’t love a little treat? That’s therapist math for you!
Who you surround yourself with: They say we are who we surround ourselves with and “birds of a feather flock together.” How do the people you currently surround yourself with make you feel? Do their values align with yours? Do you feel more energized or exhausted when you spend time together? Do they push you to evolve and better understand yourself? In therapy, we talk about how “connection is health.” In other words, healthy people have relationships - be it in the work place, your friend circle, family, the incredible neighbors you live by, your team…the list goes on. Take an inventory of your relationships and consider prioritizing those that make you feel good. For example, you don’t want to go from dealing with your archnemesis all day (Deborah in finance) to dealing with the partner you should have left long ago because it’s been five years and they still aren’t “getting it” or forcing yourself to see the family that does nothing but make you feel like crap. It’s okay and encouraged to be choosey with who you give your time and effort to because it’s these relationships that reinforce how we see ourselves, others, and the world, for better or for worse.
Key Takeaways
It’s Saturday morning and you’re about to have a killer weekend. You’ve got some stuff to think about and some ideas of how to improve your feelings of general wellbeing and happiness. Finish that coffee, wash your face, and throw on an outfit you feel good in before you leave the house. Then go and do good shit with good people. It’s that simple.
Further Reading and Resources
Interested in learning more about Self-care, wellness, feeling confident and capable? Below are a few articles and sites to check out for more info:
How to Recover from Work and Stress, According to Science from the Harvard Business Review.
Self-Efficacy and Why Believing in Yourself Matters from VeryWell Mind.
How Does Social Connectedness Affect Health? - Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
