FROM TRAUMA TO TRANSFORMATION: A GUIDE TO BUILDING A RESILIENT LIFE

There are times in life when things happen that we simply don’t expect. It’s easy to feel like it’s bad luck, that you ‘can’t catch a break’ – fall into a ‘poor me’ mentality. Depending on how one responds to these situations, it can increase resiliency and build character or reinforce feelings of distrust and resentment. Today, let’s talk about how to confront the unexpected from two perspectives: mindset and trauma.

The Basics of Trauma

The human experience is comprised of wins and losses, ups and downs, clarity and confusion, the expected and unexpected. When it comes to how we respond to life, it largely depends on what we’ve done in the past, hence why us therapists tend to ask you to “start at the beginning.” You can think of your life as a book and each season has its own chapter. What is written within those pages is paramount because it becomes the blueprint for future chapters. This is why it’s critically important to address each unexpected life event as it comes up with courage, humility, and a desire to grow from it.

This tends to be a big reason people show up in therapy. They don’t realize they survived the event they now fear to reflect on, as if it might rear its ugly head and attack again. But the fact is, you survived the experience itself and you can survive reflecting on it to be more prepared life throws the next curveball. I played softball for a long time and if there was a player that hit the ball and got on base every time they approached the plate, we said they were “batting a thousand.” In other words, they succeed every time. That isn’t always the case in real life with most things, however, if you’re reading this – you, too, are batting a thousand – because you’re still here despite the difficult things you’ve faced. You might be a little rough for the wear, but hell, you’re still here!

That’s critically important to remember when it comes to moving through and processing trauma. People almost fear that simply thinking or talking about the event might cause it to happen again or that they won’t be able to survive talking about what they have already, in fact, physically survived. When we don’t address and legitimately work through a traumatic experience, it gets logged by our body, mind, and spirit. This “logging” is what leads to compound trauma.

Compound trauma makes subsequent traumas more painful and more difficult to work through. It decreases our resiliency or ability to bounce back thereby fostering fear and avoidance in us. Another way to think about compound/complex trauma is likening it to your “to do” list. It’s best to keep on top of it, keep the list short at best so you don’t end up with a lengthy list that will surely peak at a poor time and take more time and resources you’ll have at that point. Put simply – it’s best to take the time to emotionally, spiritually, and mentally work through tough experiences as they arise.

“Big T versus Little T Trauma”

What makes a traumatic event a “big” versus “little” trauma or “t” depends on a few factors:

1.     Level of impact: This refers to how deeply it causes us to question phenomenological factors. When we talk about phenomenology in therapy, we are referring to one’s view of self, the world, and others. The deeper it makes you question whether what you believed about yourself, others, or the world in general is a significant factor.  

2.     Scope of impact: How wide was the damage? Did it affect one area of your life or several? The more areas of one’s life impacted by trauma can enhance it.

3.     Consequences: Experiencing the event is one thing, dealing with the consequences is another. Traumas typically don’t occur in a vacuum – there is likely to be some type of fall out or collateral damage. Maybe you have to rebuild relationships, financial security, consider a different lifestyle. Regardless, trauma often requires us to make difficult decisions if we want to move past it.

Examples might include:

-       Little T: These are kind of like running into a new construction project on I-25 unexpectedly. If you’re from Colorado, you get it. It’s an inconvenience, but not necessarily life changing. Examples might be someone you trust really letting you down in some way, not getting that promotion you hoped for, taking a calculated low to moderate risk and it doesn’t pan out. These require you to reroute, but you still reach your intended destination.

-       Big T: The (potential) impacts run deep, wide, and require you to do some significant repositioning or rebuilding. This might be the death of a loved one, ending of a significant relationship, sudden job loss or financial hardship, or a severe medical diagnosis. Think of these types of traumas as those that literally change your life. These are more than a re-route, these require you to change your travel plans altogether.

Other important factors to consider:

-       What is traumatic or the level of trauma experienced varies from person to person. What’s huge to one person may be a “blip on the radar” for the next person.

-       Support matters. Those with more supports tend to be better equipped to deal with trauma. Whether it’s a good network of family and friends, having enough in your savings account to minimize the impact, having worked through something similarly difficult before and been successful, or having other areas of your life that are healthy and diverse enough that you can manage one area of life not being great for a period of time. Here, more truly is more – in a good way.

 We covered what causes trauma, the difference between severities of trauma, and why it’s recommended to face it meaningfully and timely. Now let’s talk about how the chapters written in our book of life influence how we categorize the type of trauma we experience, how frequently trauma presents itself, and how to put it behind you in a healthy and productive way.

Challenge vs. Threat Mindset

Henry Ford said, “whether you think you can or you can’t – you’re right.” When it comes to the ups and downs of life, this quote rings very true. This is why it’s so important to take time to reflect on the less than desirable experiences so we can learn from them, making us better prepared for the future. People with a challenge mindset see themselves as capable of handling life’s challenges. They know it will be difficult, inconvenient, and they may not be happy about it – but they know they will find a way. On the other hand, people with a “threat” mindset tend to see themselves as not likely able to deal with tough stuff. They strive for safety by being risk-averse, craving certainty, and defaulting to what they know. To be clear, I’m not saying one mindset is necessarily “right or wrong” or better than the other – they are just two ways of looking at the world that tend to lead to very different outcomes.

People with a challenge mindset have often “been through it” – they’ve faced the tough stuff and realize they came out on the other side and are better for it. These people tend to lean into ambiguity, complexity, and uncertainty as opposed to avoiding it. They see these experiences as opportunities to be an even stronger, better version of their current selves. They may not have had the luxury of supports to get them through stuff in the past, however, they decided those past experiences were not going to break them.

A threat mindset is characterized by fear, avoidance – a belief that one won’t be able to weather the storm, so they steer clear of it altogether. Threat mindsets resemble playing not to lose rather than to win – it has a big impact on the outcome of the game even if the team playing conservatively, is top notch. A threat mindset might foster safety, the tradeoff is growth, experience, and living life to the fullest. You’ll never know what you’re capable of if you never take a chance. You’ve got one life to live – are you going to go all out (reasonably of course) or play it so safe you don’t really experience life itself?

Remember – if you’re reading this, you’ve survived everything life has thrown at you. Those are incredible stats. It means that you have overcome things you didn’t think you could, survived the unexpected, and come out the other side better for it.

Resiliency and Bouncing Back

This is an important part of the process that should be neither avoided or prolonged, rather, one that should be time-limited, honest, and thereby productive. Bouncing back is a combination of giving yourself time to grieve, licking your wounds, dusting the dirt off and understanding how to move forward meaningfully. So how do we do this?

1.     Step 1 - Reflect: This is essential to reducing the chance of making the same mistake twice. It also requires a lot of courage to take ownership and accountability for your part. Take some time to play the tape back like they do in sports. Understand what happened and what led to it. Don’t let yourself fall into a “poor me” mindset here, this is where you learn how to do things differently in hopes of a different or better outcome. With this – we play a role in every experience, be it small or large. Understand what your role was and work through what adjustments you need to make to be more successful next time.

2.     Step 2 – Accept: Ownership and accountability of our own mistakes, poor decisions, or actions sucks. It doesn’t feel good; however, that is called cognitive dissonance, and it helps us better understand how we see ourselves as, what our values are, and how we want to show up in the world. This yucky feeling is what growth can feel like at times. So instead of avoiding it, reframe it as information to be a better version of yourself next time.

3.     Step 3 - Re-calibrate: Alright, we’ve played the tape back, understand what we need to do next time something like this comes up. Now it’s time to re-calibrate because typically what we were doing is what factored into the outcome. Ever heard the saying, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result”? This is what happens when we don’t re-calibrate. You’ve got to adapt and adjust in real time if you want to improve outcomes. Insight without action is nothing.

4.     Step 4 - Keep it Movin’: This is when you get up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. You don’t waste time feeling bad for yourself, instead, you take what you can from the experience and leave the rest behind.

Life will always throw curve balls, serve up some lemonade at the worst times, and cause us to question things. To think you can avoid this isn’t realistic, but what is realistic is our ability to learn and bounce back. There is a big difference between a pity party and a victory parade – which one do you want for yourself?