FROM BURNOUT TO BALANCE: MASTERING STRESS IN EVERYDAY LIFE.

Have you ever been in a habit of coming home after work and just wanting to chill? But “chill” usually looks like eating, bingeing (trash) TV, and then falling asleep? You start to miss those things you used to enjoy doing after work, like workouts, happy hours, or dinners with loved ones, because you just want to rest. Have you ever noticed this habit starting to creep into your weekends or vacation? If so, you could be struggling with stress. Today, let’s talk what stress is, concepts to consider when thinking about your stress level, and how to overcome it.

The Basics of Stress

Did you know not all stress is bad? There are two types of stress:

-       Distress (not good) occurs when we face the tough stuff. Examples might include sudden job loss, financial hardship, passing of a loved one, an expensive car repair you didn’t anticipate.

-       Eustress (good) occurs in in response to things positive life events. Think things like starting a new job, getting married, moving to a new place, having a baby.

Three factors have a big impact on how we interpret stress – our self-image, belief in ourselves (aka self-efficacy), and level of self-confidence. The more we believe we can overcome something because of what we’ve overcome in the past, the less severe the stress is likely to be. This is why “self-mastery” activities are so crucial. These are situations where you stretch yourself to see what you’re made of, how far you can push yourself. The more often you do this and see how capable you are, the more resilient you are against the bad stress.

Stress is a huge topic that can go in infinite directions – for today, we’ll keep it to the basics.

 Why We Get Tired: Gilmartin’s “Hypervigilance Biological Rollercoaster”

The picture shared below is probably one of the most influential things I’ve seen professionally.

When I started working as a co-response clinician – I loved it. It was new, challenging, got the adrenaline going, and I took a great deal of pride in the work. I enjoyed it so much that I’d stay late to help with calls for service that were right at the end of my shift and picked up extra shifts. Before I realized it, I was spending more time with my colleagues than with people not connected to my work, like my family and friends. It became normal to come home and want to isolate myself because I was still coming down from the stress of the work and mentally preparing for the next shift. You don’t have to be a crisis clinician to experience this. What I experienced is what many people experience when they get into a job they love – for better and for worse.

I couldn’t understand how I was doing work I loved so much but was more tired than ever when off shift. Even with a weekend to recharge, I wasn’t bouncing back. Even vacations didn’t really recharge me after a while. Why did I feel so good at work and then hit a wall when I clocked out? Because I was riding the “hypervigilance biological rollercoaster” as author, Kevin Gilmartin, termed it in his book Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement (2002, pg. 50):

 The solid black lines across the image represent homeostasis – our baseline. The double line represents our emotional response to work over the week. The left side of the picture represents the start of our week where we come in feeling good, experience the excitement that comes with the shift, or the increased level of attention needed to get the job done. Then, the line takes a drop. That drop represents the moment we clock out and head home. The drop happens because we no longer need to be “on” – in other words, social, attentive, engaged – all the attributes we rely on to be successful during the workday.

Over time, this routine wears on us and our baseline drops to the lower solid black line. We can’t tolerate as much because we’re essentially in a state of chronic stress. The “stress” might be exhilarating at first, but it gets old over time. It takes a lot more effort to be “on” at work and even more effort to be present off the clock. The consequence? The hobbies and activities you once loved turn into what Gilmartin calls the “ustas and gonnas.” For example, have you heard a coworker say they “usta” do X, Y, Z hobbies, but now they just don’t have the time or energy? Maybe they are “gonna” get back into them? But they never actually do. THIS. Is the biological rollercoaster and how it impacts us in the short- and long-term.

You don’t have to do dangerous or high-speed work to experience this – it isn’t something only cops, firefighters, and EMTs experience. The truth? It happens to all of us if we aren’t careful. So how do you beat this?

“I’d like to get off the ride, please.”

You’ve probably heard someone use this analogy before. I imagine the lightbulb might be turning on over your head in this moment. In the “biz” we call this an “aha” moment – you get it. Either you’ve experienced this yourself and/or you can think of someone in your life that is currently on the ride or is trying to get off it. So how do you do it?

1.     Keep things in perspective: That new gig may be exciting, and you feel like you need to be extra “dialed in”, at least at first, until you get comfortable. When we think this way, it puts us on a slippery slope if we don’t ensure we have guard rails in place. It can become easy to take on more and more work or be so interested in your work that you want to keep learning. Don’t get me wrong, that’s good! You love what you do and that’s dope. But too much of a good thing can be bad. Keep things in perspective by having healthy boundaries in place early on and having people around you to help you be accountable to the boundaries you set. Don’t let bad habits develop like staying late, picking up too many extra shifts, allowing your social group to shrink to just your work colleagues, or passing on the gym or social events with those outside the job.

2.     Be accountable to those who know you best outside the job: We’ve all heard of the “nagging wife.” But honestly – there is something to it if it’s a healthy relationship – and it doesn’t have to be a wife. It could be a partner, family member, neighbor, you name it. When we get too involved in something, those around us are usually going to notice first and tell us. Too often, we minimize this by saying “they just don’t get it,” “they don’t understand my work”, or “they are just nagging.” If it’s a healthy relationship, they aren’t nagging; they are trying to tell you something is different, and you need to pay attention. So instead of shutting them down, take a moment to think about what they are telling you. Chances are – they are right.

3.     Be intentional: When we love what we do, we are picky about it. Depending on your line of work, it might be making sure you’ve got your “good pen” as you start your shift or workday. It could look like being picky about your uniform or clothes for the day because you want to look good and feel good. Maybe it’s making sure you’ve got the right apps or programs to take your presentations to the next level. Regardless, you usually don’t let yourself start your shift without something like this and the same should be true of your free time. If going to the gym before or after work is your thing – keep it that way. Maybe it’s spending regular time with your family – stay accountable to that. You know you feel best after seven or eight hours of sleep? Don’t let yourself stay in bed for nine or ten hours.

Most importantly, be honest with yourself. Steve Jobs said we can only do good work when we love what we do. If you’ve found that, you’re lucky, blessed, fortunate, whatever term resonates. It’s something to be grateful for, but not valued so highly you lose the rest of yourself in the process. Life is a balance and work is one facet of it. Understanding what a healthy work-life balance looks like for you is crucial to staying off, or recognizing when you’re on, the rollercoaster.

When to Seek Support

So when do you know you need help getting off the rollercoaster? There are lots of clues, such as:

-       Feeling burnt out or resentment towards the job.

-       Family and/or friends complaining you’re not around as often as you used to be, or when you are with them, your mind is clearly elsewhere.

-       Turning to substance use. This one can be a little more difficult to identify depending on your habits. An easy way to assess yourself? If you start using/drinking and you normally don’t or you’re using/drinking more, over a longer period than you intended, and/or you need time to recover from use/drinking when. I often see this when people are responding to stress by attempting to “numb” or “forget about it” when they can.

-       Coping with food and/or sleep. People are different, but interestingly, this is a common response. For some people, they “eat their feelings” and will overeat. Others won’t have an appetite. Either way – eating patterns change. Same goes with sleep. For some, sleep is an escape, so they’ll oversleep by a lot or a little. For others, they can’t shut their mind off long enough to even get a quick nap. Again, it’s not necessarily the extent of the change (although that’s important, too), but the simple fact that there has been a change.

Take Aways and Next Steps

We talked about how to differentiate good and bad stress, what it looks like when bad stress starts to get the best of us, learned a few ways to manage it, and ideas as to when it could be helpful to talk to a professional. Although we discussed this through the lens of work, it can be applicable to other areas of life. Stress is normal. In my personal and professional opinion, you’re going to experience both as part of the basic human condition, and more so if you’re treating this life like it’s the only one you’ve got. We can build resiliency through stress if we’re intentional. So get out there, live your life, and “leave it all on the field” – you’ll be better for it.